Not what I imagined

Life never seems to go in a straight path... curveballs everywhere.

At the age of 28 my husband and I decided 'hey, let's have one child together'. I had two from a previous marriage and he had one... why not tie us all together.

My only rule... he has to be here before I'm 30.  He was due December 24th...a Christmas baby and 11 days before my 30th birthday. But like my other two...he couldn't wait to grace the world with his presence... and 3 weeks early on December 5...I was blessed with another amazing beautiful baby...who I fell in love with the second I saw him... perfect in everyway. His sister (12) and brother (10 for two more weeks) were totally smitten with him. He was the most babied baby ever.

Fast forward 15 years... this child is now a towering 6'1", 145lb boy. He loves all sports, but his heart is in hockey...a game he got a late start in ...but caught on quickly. His team has won two SD State Championships at the Peewee C level and the Bantam B level.

He is handsome and carries  himself proud. A little shy, quiet, but the girls seem to like him and the feeling is mutual.

Somewhere along the way... he lost his way... he found the world of weed...and alcohol... and got caught up in it... and when you throw in some heartbreak he found himself spiraling down a dark tunnel... unable to get back out. Depression had sunk its teeth in...and wasn't letting go.

He found himself with a loaded pistol to his head... trying to decide what to do...I may never know what he was thinking...or if the sound of the garage door opening when I got home pulled him out of this dark...just long enough for him to put the gun down...it wasnt until 2 days later I found out what was going on that night when I got home...

And when he said "I should have pulled the trigger" I froze... my thought immediately went to the vivid picture of my grandpa found in his car behind the gas station in a small town in TX.

My fingers wouldn't work... I had to call someone... 911...maybe they would know what to do.

And they did... they knew he needed help.  Someone who knows how to handle this.  This was over mom's head... way over. I was too emotionally attached... and all I could think about was how my mom handled the death of her dad... I found myself sinking into the dark confines of the 'what ifs' and 'how do we move forward' and many thoughts of 'how could I have missed this' but I had to be strong.  Anything I was feeling was not as strong as what he felt when he held a loaded pistol to his head... when he was thinking that was the last option.

I will never know what might have happened if I hadn't gotten home right when I did. Its something I spend my days trying not to think about.

For now, I have my baby back... and I will do everything in my power to help him heal... to help him know he is not alone.

It's so easy to say "if you feel like..." or " if you're thinking about...", but when someone gets to that point it may be too late for them to reach out... they may be not be able to find their way through the dark to get help.  Be their light. Hold their hand and walk with them.