Participation vs. Winning

*** Edited March 2015 ***

I love watching my kids do anything they enjoy - currently my youngest and last at home is into hockey - he loves it. 
The team does something that drives me crazy though and seems a little disrespectful - but I think I am the only parent who sees it that way. Whether they are playing at home or away, whether they win or lose, at the end of the game they all go to the middle of the ice and 'celebrate'  banging their sticks on the ice. (I have stressed to my child how much I dislike this - but he does it because everyone else is doing it) 
 I could see it if they had won a game at home -you can celebrate - You are in your own house.  But when you are the away team and you win - its a slap in the face to the home team who is going to the locker room to lick their wounds. And even worse, when you are the away team and you still 'celebrate' after a loss - what are you celebrating - you just got your 'rear-end' handed to you - go to the locker room and lick your wounds; let the home team celebrate their win. 

So I happened across a blog the other day that really hit home with how I feel. I posted my thoughts on team sports a few weeks ago and then I came across this blog, I am going to post the part about sports and add the link to the whole blog. I think it is worthy of a share.

You Can Keep Your Participation Ribbon 

(Johnathan Hinshaw)

Winning Isn't Everything, It's The Only Thing

This past year my son played pop warner football for the first time ever. He started with flag football, as most children do, but soon found out that tackle football is a whole different ball game. Not only did he have to get used to getting hit, he had to learn how to tackle other players while avoiding injury. This was brand new. Everything changed when we graduated from the Pee-Wee division to the Pop Warner arena.

While other teams gave out participation prizes, our coach did not. You either won, or you lost. The only prize you would get for playing would be a checkmark in the winning column and a damn good feeling of accomplishment. Or a check mark in the losing column and lots of laps to run the next day. I loved it...

I watched as my son's team went undefeated for the entire season. They won every game they played. It was amazing. As a father, I was very proud. This team prepared to win and losing was not an option.

As we approached the playoffs, their winning streak stayed in tact. Out of the 10 games we practiced for and played, we lost zero. We were the team to beat with an undefeated record. And then...it happened. The very last game we played, our "Super Bowl", was lost. The boys were crushed. I take that back, they were devastated! After that game, as we circled up to hear the coach deliver his final speech you could see the entire team was in tears, some of them shaking and all of them crying.

My son's team had been beaten. After going undefeated all season long, they finally got to experience what it felt like to lose.

Try telling those boys that it didn't matter whether they won or lost. As the referees came by with the consolation prize (the participation ribbons) - not one child took it. Not one kid felt like that made up for the fact that they had lost the only game that really mattered.

Not all pop warner teams were like this. This was a special breed. The coach was amazing, the parents were awesome. The kids showed up to play their hearts out - they didn't want a ribbon, they wanted a win.

As a father, I appreciated how my son's coach instilled in him the value of a win. That if you put your mind to it, you could accomplish great things. But, my son also learned a very valuable life lesson... Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing. My boy is learning at a very early age that it takes more than being present to succeed in this life. If you want something, you fight for it. And that creates drive!

Participation Ribbons Instill The Wrong Belief System

What are we teaching children when we give them ribbons and/or prizes just for showing up? Imagine that child as a grown up in the sales field...

"Hey Jimmy, we realize that you didn't hit any of your sales goals - but you showed up and you sure did enjoy yourself so we're going to give you that sales bonus anyways."

That will never happen! By giving participation ribbons, we're sending a message of entitlement, rather than drive or what I like to call HUSTLE.

(see full blog here)

So this story hits home - my son plays on a C hockey team and according to the tryout numbers - they aren't the best of the best at their age level - but they are a great team together. They have had a really great season so far with only 4 losses. As a mom I want them to have fun - I would be a liar if I didn't say "I want them to win" - but even more "I want THEM to WANT to win - to know how important it is to know they earned their spot and to want to be the best they can be. I want them to know that just because they played doesn't mean you get a ribbon at the end of the season. I want them to WANT the trophy and the title that goes with it. I want them to be upset when they lose because they know they can do better - and I WANT them to quit banging their sticks on the ice at away games - win or lose!


I want these boys to know that to succeed they have to put forth more effort than just showing up and screwing off. They have to have the drive to win - it will carry them further than any ribbon for coming in last - or even second.


Good Luck Cougars!!

*** End of season update ***

The PWC team won the State Hockey Tournament. 

The first time in 21 years!

Team sports

I know we are not alone on our thinking , but I also know there are a lot of people who don't share the same thoughts.

When our children ask to play team sports, we have rules. Simple rules that we require them to agree to.

1. Grades have to be kept up.

2. When you volunteer/agree to play a team sport,  you have to go to all of the practices.

3. You go to all of the games and you give it your all. 

4. You don't get to quit halfway through the season because you don't like it,  your coach or your teammates. You agreed to play a team sport and your team is counting on you. The more you practice/play the better you will get and the more playing time you will get.

 

Those are pretty basic.  We are trying to teach our kids that if you agree to something that other people are counting on you for,  you can't just quit or not show up because you don't want to or something better or more fun came along.

Sometimes,  I hate living by our "rules". There are a lot of days I would love to break our rules - but what does that teach my kids?

Darin is our youngest and last child at home.  He loves hockey and when he asked to play last year,  we knew it was going to wreak havoc on our Christmas plans and while I would love to say it is ok to miss two weekends of games and all of the practices in between, it's not. 

For one he needs all of the ice time he can get and two,  there are 15 players and 1 goalie on his team. 

That sounds like a lot,  but hockey is demanding and it takes a lot out of you (like most sports), so when one player doesn't show up, it screws with the entire team. Now think if you decide to skip a game and a couple of your teammates decide to skip the same game, it leaves a handful to try and play. It's not fair to your remaining teammates and you grow up thinking if you don't show up its 'OK', someone else can handle it. (at the same time - don't overschedule your children, where they have to pick between hockey or basketball or wrestling etc., that puts them in a position to not show up for one or the other.)

Now fast forward to being an adult  - you can't just 'not show up for work' - people are counting on you. Its the same concept and if you allow them to do it as children, you are teaching them bad behaviors that will continue when they become adults.

Maybe we are wrong, maybe we ask too much.  But why not start teaching them that life isn't all about them and that other people do count on them to be there when they say they will.

2,931 Days

This Woman

This woman taught me almost everything I know.

She taught me how to fight for myself and what I believe in. 

Be it boxing gloves in the front yard against my older sister 

or standing in front of a room full of strangers 

talking about something that is important to me 

(like teen pregnancy).

This woman taught me to learn new things.

She taught me to always want to know more. 

To know more about everything. If it is there...learn it. 

Because of this woman - I learned more than one musical instrument, 

Clarinet, keyboard, & guitar...I am not fluent in any, 

but she helped me explore those options. 

This woman taught me to read.

She taught me to enjoy reading, where you can escape to another place 

and meet new people without leaving the comfort of your own home

This woman taught me to have fun.

She taught me life is short. To 'dance like no one is watching' and if they 

are watching hope they enjoy what they see and join in. 

This woman taught me the importance of pets.

She taught me to always love my pets - because they will always be there for me.

This woman taught me to sew.

She could look at something crafty and make it happen. 

I can now sew a straight line. She taught me to do needlepoint. 

She taught me to read a pattern - not well, but if needed, I can!

This woman taught me that everyone is beautiful in their own way.

She taught me to look my best because you never know who you might meet or where. 

But even if you have a 'down' day, wear a smile. Everyone needs a smile!

This woman taught me the art of story telling.

She taught me that you have to hook the listener/reader so that when you deliver the 

final blow they want more and that the best ending to any story is 

"...and he was pulling my leg - just like I'm pulling yours!"

This woman taught me love.

She taught the importance of family and friends and that you need to have them in your life. 

She taught me to give and receive love and to believe in people 

because you never know what they may be going through themselves.

This woman taught me almost everything I know.

This woman let me call her mom!

It has been 2,931 days since I talked to mom. 

I miss hearing her voice, 

I miss her laugh and her smile. 

I miss everything about her. 

Today is the 8th January 14th since she died. 

I cannot believe it has been that long and yet it feels 

like it was yesterday that a part of  me died with her.

She wouldn't want me to dwell - so instead I wanted to share some of her. 

I hope you enjoyed it.

Happy New Year?

We spent an enjoyable evening out with some great friends,  watched the Wings win,  had a safe ride around town (thank you Allure Entertainment) that even picked our child up at the skating rink at 1am.... (how many 12 year olds get to ride around in a party bus?)

At home,  the dog is in a mad frenzy racing around like he's hyped up on something illegal. 

We clean up the usual "you left me alone" mess... brains and decapitated stuffed animals, spilled salt (which usually means the cat we don't own has been on the table). 

Daylight brings, well...light...better to see what we missed, there is a sticky mess all over the floor behind the table and foot prints everywhere. Spilled coke... that explains what Ace was all hopped up on.

I'm pretty sure the dog had one hell of a party while we were out, and we still haven't found the mystery coke can. He might regret that tomorrow.

Obesity is an issue?

OK, I know obesity is a problem. Its a huge issue. People all over are becoming more overweight and lazier everyday. I know I am in no way in the best shape of my life...in fact I'm not sure I have ever been in the best shape of my life. But that's beside the point...

So I went to my son's 6th grade parent/teacher conferences, where I met with all 9 teachers, I'm proud to say he is doing really well in school.

Well all except for PE - one of his favorite classes, and it wasn't a bad behavior or not dressing up report.

Let me start over. I met with his PE teacher who told me my son was doing great in his class, but they have started doing this cardiovascular test called PACER and my son failed miserably.
(If you are not familiar with the PACER test - basically my understanding is they run laps as many times as they can.)

So he proceeds to tell me that Darin was supposed to run a minimum of 32 - he ran 23, and that since he was unable to run the minimum of 32 laps he is on the verge of being obese and that I should really consider getting him in some activities and not just sitting around watching TV.

I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped -in fact I know it did because I had a bruise on my chin from it hitting the floor & he said, "I'm guessing by the look on your face, this is a surprise."

"Well yea, ya think...are you sure we are talking about the same person? I mean, you've seen my kid right? 5'3", 100 pounds, looks like a skinny stick."

He looks at me straight faced and says, "yes, but this test says he is overweight and on the verge of being obese"

I'm trying to hold back the hysterical laughter and ask "but you've looked at him right? and have you actually talked to him? Because he plays hockey and it just got started the first part of October, it is all he thinks about, he spends 2-3 nights a week on the ice and this is just pre-season. How much more time do you want him not sitting on the couch? Because this doesn't include his time to and from school and his bike rides to friends houses, roller blading on the weekends and street hockey"

He says, "well i'm just saying, according to these test results he really needs to be more active, obesity is a huge problem with our youth"

I'm still stunned - I mean, I know obesity is an issue, but with school lunches being, well, lacking... and me knowing how much and what he eats at home and how active he is... I think they should be worrying about some other kids that have a visible problem, not that I don't appreciate the concern... but have you seen my son?

So I smile and say "ok I will let him know that he isn't active enough and that starting tonight he is now enrolled in the program for 'the morbidly not obese, but the test says I am, boot camp.'
Are you planning to retest, I would be really interested in those results"

I asked Darin what he remembered about the PACER test and why he was only able to run 23 laps, come to find out, that was right after the weekend he twisted his ankle at the skating rink. Hmmm maybe they should talk to the kids, ask some questions before jumping to conclusions based on a poor test result. Obviously, if you are looking at a child who is not obese don't you think that would throw up a red flag and make you question what's up?

Maybe he just didn't feel like running... (said in my best Forest Gump voice)

Mary, Mary quite contrary...

My first garden - I still don't have high hopes - its only been a week and a couple of days. I don't keep things alive very well. But I can't help but be a little excited!

Day 1 - That's a strawberry plant

Day 9 - Tomato Plants (I cheated and planted already started plants)

 Cucumbers - I think!

 

 Squash?

There should be okra in here somewhere - but I can't tell if its okra or weeds

Onions - I'm positive

One of these is a weed - I'm certain..and the other one may or may not be a radish!

Strawberries - this plant in the front is the same plant from day 1!!

And a surprise, uninvited guest!

I discovered something yesterday that I've known all my life!

While doing some research for work yesterday - I discovered that there is a day dedicated solely to 'The Middle Child" - It is August 12 and I thought to myself - 'hmmm, Why is this such a big deal?"

And then I remembered the story I have been told since I was 7 years old and my parents brought my baby sister home and the first words I said when I met her were "Guess I'm just the middle kid now".

It holds true to what I know - There are hundreds of pictures of my older sister and thousands of my little sister - and a handful of me. There are quite a few that have me in them, but only because one of my other sisters was in it as well.

But you know - I never let being the middle child hold me back! While my older sister led the charge and got caught for all the things she did - I quietly sat back, took notes, and learned - "Don't get caught and all will be good"
I was the negotiator - My sister wanted to go out (now mind you there are 2 years, 6 months, 2 days, and approximately 12 hours between us - and I should not have been hanging out with her where she liked to go), but as the negotiator, it went like this:
Me: "Mom,  D wants to know if she can go out cruising?"
Mom: "Dana, Why didn't she ask herself?"
Me: "Well, she said if I asked - I could go too"
You could see the bulb go on - because mom knew that while I was the negotiator - I also could not tell lies very well - so she knew that if she let us go out cruising - that she would find out what all we actually did, it was a win-win for her.
So we would go - and we would get home late and make up this wonderful story as to why we were late and we would practice it and rehearse it till I was blue in the face and the next morning when mom would ask me why we were late and I would tell her this perfectly rehearsed story she would look at me and say "Now Dana, Why were you guys really late?" and I would burst into tears and tell her the real story, which usually wound up getting my sister grounded and me in the doghouse - really!

Because we had one of these and I knew when I had made her mad.

Being the middle kid - wasn't so bad though - when I made the older sister mad - I knew I could turn to my little sister who thought I was awesome - maybe not - but it's nice to dream! Right?

I did eventually get careless and get caught - I finally did something first before my older sister - Three things actually - Had kids, got married and divorced, and married again - all first, in fact, all before she got married once! It's not something I recommend racing for though.

As the middle child, I wore many hats - I was the negotiator, the antagonizer (who would start something and walk away), and eventually the peacekeeper. How could I keep the peace if I didn't antagonize? Usually, arguments were between my older sister and me. As the oldest, she had it figured out how to get people to do what she wanted and at some point, I caught on to this game and started resisting. She didn't like that and would then threaten to take something away - like going out with her. (Although I knew she couldn't go without me - I didn't want to risk it) so we would argue and I would give in because after all, I don't do arguments well.

My mom never admitted to it - but I know deep down that I was her favorite - How could I not be! I was the good kid! (*Insert evil laugh here) Anyone that knows me can tell you many stories otherwise!

This is very much me! Although I am not insecure about much (other than the way I look sometimes)

I'm throwing this one on here because I see all three of my kids in it!

So middle kids Unite!! - On August 12th Celebrate with me!